learning how to say “i don’t know”

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“lead me, Jesus, farther than my feet can wander.”

the three scariest, most liberating words my mouth has ever whispered, “lead me, Jesus.” sometimes it so easy for me to lead myself. don’t get me wrong; i sit in silence & clothe myself in “patience” as i wait for the Lord to reveal Himself to me, but when He finally does, i feel as if i can do it all on my own from there. why are we like that? why are we so willing to say that we need Jesus with our words, & yet still be so scared to need Him in our hearts? now i’m not talking about a “once in a while need,” or a “God this test is really hard please help me” need. i’m talking about a full out, everyday surrender. i want that so much for my life. the Father has taught me all about my need for Him this year. as my trip to Canada is drawing closer & closer, so is the fear. it seems like there are so many holes left unfilled. “who’s picking you up at the airport?” “where are you staying?” “do you know anyone else going?” at first, i would pray about these questions with a twinge of frustration in my voice. i felt like if i was willing to say “yes” to God’s call, then i was in some way entitled to every little minor detail about every little minor issue. i became so annoyed with the whole situation one day, that i was ready to change my mind. i remember sitting in sara egbert’s jeep sobbing. sobbing because i felt so in the dark about everything. i had no idea what was going to happen or how any of these questions were going to be answered. i felt overwhelmed & under-qualified. i prayed. right there in the parking lot in the jeep through my tears. “Father why have you asked me to do this? i’m not old enough or wise enough. i’m so inadequate, so why would you ever choose me?” i feel like He laughed when He heard this, i really do. because i laugh when i think about it now. the answer was so obvious. no Taylor, you’re not old enough or wise enough. yes you are inadequate & will always be inadequate. but Jesus is sufficient. i don’t need to be good enough because He is good enough. no, you don’t have all the answers, but that’s okay because He does. i learned about supplication that day. my trip is drawing near & some of those questions still remain unanswered, but i’ll be alright. i know who goes before me, & everyday He tells me that sometimes it’s okay to say “i don’t know.” 

thank you Father for knowing it all, & for being the perfect sacrifice so that i experience a Love that i could never earn on my own. thank You for Your kindness & Your forgiveness. give me the faith & the courage to say “i don’t know.” i love You only because You first loved me.

grace & peace,

taylor

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