honesty hour.

Imagei do not like waiting. i do not like sitting still. i do not like practicing patience. i know that patience is a virtue & i feel so badly about not desiring it more, but that’s just how i am. it’s honesty. you know what else i don’t like? planning. i am so awful at it. i do absolutely everything last minute & it hardly ever works out the way i had originally intended. 

i leave for Vancouver Island in four short days & as i am writing this i am looking back on all the planning that had to take place in order for this adventure to be possible. & to be honest…i hated planning even then. & as i wrote that, i felt guilty about it, like in some way i’m not measuring up. i am really bothered when i hear stories about people going into the ministry or mission field & they portray it as a care-free experience, when in reality, it’s the exact opposite. & that is why i am writing about this. i want to be sincerely & authentically honest about my experience since i have responded to the Father’s call. i have cried almost every week since i told Ashley i would go to Canada this summer. i’ve cried because plans were falling through. i’ve cried because i knew my parents were a nervous wreck & nothing i said made it any better. i’ve cried because the sin in my heart has kept saying “don’t go. just stay.” & i’ve cried because as much as i’ve prayed for it, i still can’t seem to grasp patience, & that makes my heart so heavy. preparing your heart to do long term ministry is hard & i admit that. so why do we make it look like it’s some sort of fairytale? is it because if we make it seem easy more people would want to do it? that’s not encouragement, that’s deception. when Jesus gave the Great Commission, He said it was going to be the hardest thing we would ever have to do. he demands that we deny ourselves, our selfishness, our pride, our everything. now how have we turned that into something so “simple?” it’s not simple. it’s real & it’s hard & some days i don’t even want to do it anymore, but oh my goodness that is why i am so thankful for kindness & living, breathing Truth, & for grace. grace that tells me everyday “i am your Father, & you are My child & I delight in you & your obedience to Me.” & just like that, i’m crying again…not because i’m sad, but because i am so completely overwhelmed by who my Father is & by the way He pours His love on me with every single breath i take. & when i am loved like that, i am more than happy to die to my sin, fit my whole summer in a 40 pound suitcase & live in another country. it still isn’t easy, but my oh my it’s so worth it. 

 

grace & peace,

 

taylor

 

 

p.s. for those who were wondering, i still haven’t mastered patience, but i’m a work in progress.

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4 thoughts on “honesty hour.

  1. taylor

    thank you for sharing your heart and your real fears. you are walking in the light of what Christ told you and that is obedience. obedience is hardly ever mentally or emotionally easy, and from time to time we may glorify the spiritual easiness of doing what Jesus commanded. i am so proud of you and it has been so fun to see Jesus come through in all the situations leading up to this summer. thank you for letting me walk beside you this past year to winess all the Jesus is doing in your life. I know that your summer will bear more fruit than you can mentally conceive. im wearing my prayer bracelet for summer missionaries and you better believe you’re the one my mind automatically goes to. i love you sister and want you to know that through all those tears, He shines. more tears to come, I know, but don hold them back. I think he loves seeing the tears you cry bc he knows you’re growing in your sanctification process and looking more like him each day.

    love, renee

  2. Taylor, you will be great in whatever you do,because God is guiding you and he will be your shepherd and lead you where you need to go. I will be praying for you.

  3. Taylor,
    I love your honesty. Your forty pound suitcase full of summer you took with you will come home with oh so much more. Because that’s the kind of God we serve and that’s the kind of blessing he bestows on willing, hard obedience. Cheering you on….

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