i do not like waiting. i do not like sitting still. i do not like practicing patience. i know that patience is a virtue & i feel so badly about not desiring it more, but that’s just how i am. it’s honesty. you know what else i don’t like? planning. i am so awful at it. i do absolutely everything last minute & it hardly ever works out the way i had originally intended.
i leave for Vancouver Island in four short days & as i am writing this i am looking back on all the planning that had to take place in order for this adventure to be possible. & to be honest…i hated planning even then. & as i wrote that, i felt guilty about it, like in some way i’m not measuring up. i am really bothered when i hear stories about people going into the ministry or mission field & they portray it as a care-free experience, when in reality, it’s the exact opposite. & that is why i am writing about this. i want to be sincerely & authentically honest about my experience since i have responded to the Father’s call. i have cried almost every week since i told Ashley i would go to Canada this summer. i’ve cried because plans were falling through. i’ve cried because i knew my parents were a nervous wreck & nothing i said made it any better. i’ve cried because the sin in my heart has kept saying “don’t go. just stay.” & i’ve cried because as much as i’ve prayed for it, i still can’t seem to grasp patience, & that makes my heart so heavy. preparing your heart to do long term ministry is hard & i admit that. so why do we make it look like it’s some sort of fairytale? is it because if we make it seem easy more people would want to do it? that’s not encouragement, that’s deception. when Jesus gave the Great Commission, He said it was going to be the hardest thing we would ever have to do. he demands that we deny ourselves, our selfishness, our pride, our everything. now how have we turned that into something so “simple?” it’s not simple. it’s real & it’s hard & some days i don’t even want to do it anymore, but oh my goodness that is why i am so thankful for kindness & living, breathing Truth, & for grace. grace that tells me everyday “i am your Father, & you are My child & I delight in you & your obedience to Me.” & just like that, i’m crying again…not because i’m sad, but because i am so completely overwhelmed by who my Father is & by the way He pours His love on me with every single breath i take. & when i am loved like that, i am more than happy to die to my sin, fit my whole summer in a 40 pound suitcase & live in another country. it still isn’t easy, but my oh my it’s so worth it.
grace & peace,
p.s. for those who were wondering, i still haven’t mastered patience, but i’m a work in progress.